Types of waiters

We all love eating out. Good food, great ambience, the whole deal. Many a time however, just one single word makes us pooh pooh a perfectly nice looking restaurant with great food. That word is SERVICE! Oh come on admit it! We all love to be waited on hand and foot, we all love to be pampered, we all love feeling special…and many a time we are left sorely disappointed! Presenting *cue music* types of WAITERS!

1) The Stoner

Ask this waiter a question and he looks at you all zombie like. There is absolutely no reaction. It’s almost like he wants you to stick your fingers down his throat and pull out the answer. They just stare at you until you go “okkk” and swallow you question whole. Then they saunter off in a stoned to the moon fashion. I mean it’s not arrogance at all…it’s just a complete lack of interest. I had an open mouthed staring match with a stoner and i ended up forgetting why i even entered the restaurant in the first place!

2) Clumsy clod

Most of the time, the clumsiness is not their fault. Not all people are born with a ballet spoon in their mouths! I trip and fall all over the place but when it comes to carrying food over to someone, i have my tongue sticking out, my forehead crinkled and my eyes looking constantly at the food without batting a lid. I hold the tray so tight you’d probably need a crowbar to pry my hands off!
But this waiter oh heavens alive! The way he holds delicate china full of soup makes me want to hold a mattress under him. And the way he wobbles, you know he is going to spill it, but does he pay heed to your warning gulps? No! He continues to slup soup everywhere except into the soup bowl! I’ve had half a bowl of tomato soup sluped down a rather nice white lace top of mine. Mr. Clumsy was too shocked to even say sorry! I was sorry enough for the both of us!

3) Rude as F

These waiters are adept at making their customers exit even quicker than their entrance. These guys are unbelievably rude. Right from blank faces to tossing the menu at your face to not bothering to answer any questions to pretending to ignore you to taking forever with your order to throwing the food on your table to not even bothering to Serve to brandishing angry glares if anyone complaints to asking you to vacate your table even before you have finished. To these waiters I have only one question. Why the hell are you a waiter?

4) Snooty booty

These waiters are not to be confused with the rude as F waiters. The snooty booties can easily be identified by their impeccable manners and signature nose-in-the-air-why-do-you-even-exist-peasant-look. Once while dining at a five-star restaurant I happened to pronounce the French name of a dish wrong. The waiter gave me such a condescending look that I wanted to drown myself in the bouillabaisse he served me with a scoff. Needless to say, the french food pronunciations dictionary was turned on that night.

5)The monica

The Monicas can almost be called my family, for i too have an innate need to clean non-stop. It is a little annoying though when cleaning happens right next to you while you are putting a piece of dosa into your mouth! This one time I had a rather enthusiastic waiter actually lift my plate up to wipe my table! I was thoroughly shocked but decided to hang my mouth open in horror lest he shove his rubber gloved hand into my mouth to clean the half masticated food! The restaurant always looked sterile enough for surgeries but unfortunately not for eating.

6) Finger in each pie

These waiters have an uncontrollable urge to touch the food they serve! A caress to the idli, a pinch to the dosa, a finger in the dipping sauce. Shuddering, i point out and i’m left with an unapologetic sorry and the very same dish. At this one hotel, when I complained about my lime juice tasting weird, The waiter had the gall to sip the drink from my glass right in front of me at my table. I spluttered my complaint to the manager and all that idiot said was “you did complain about the juice!” What? What??

7) Dr jekyll Mr hyde

These waiters as the name suggests have absolutely erratic personalities. One minute they are sweet, welcoming and courteous and the next minute you sit there with bug eyes as they slap the menus down and growl menacingly if you ask them to read out the specials. I don’t even know what’s up with these people. The “good cop, bad cop” routine goes on until you are not even sure which dimension you live in. I learnt to turn tail when I come across such characters, after all, i don’t want to spend my dinner playing freud!

8) Bullet train

So this is the type of waiter you will regret asking to list out the days specials. “Masaladosaravaidlipooribajjivadapaav” took a while to read that yes? Imagine trying to listen and decipher? Tough! All i could muster was “eh”?? So obviously my hungry self asked him to repeat what he said. “Masaladosaravaidlipooribajjivadapaav” came out again. Alright then. I settled for a nice deep breath and some coffee!

9) Cupid interrupted

Imagine a totally romantic setting. You and your boyfriend are holding hands and gazing into each others eyes when, “GOOD EVENING! MAY I TAKE YOUR ORDER?” booms this particular waiter. Deeply annoyed faces doesn’t even cause him to flinch! So somehow you manage to send him away and you get back to coziness when, “MAY I SHOW YOU OUR SELECTION OF WINES” so you grit your teeth into dust and order a wine and get back to lovey dovey mode. You reach in for a kiss when “WILL YOU BE HAVING THE DUCK OR CHICKEN TONIGHT?” So all in all the ongoing theory is that this particular breed were sent from parent heavens to act as roving eyes! How else would they so dexterously block cupid all the time?

Have you come across more interesting specimens? If so let me know and we could have types of waiters part two!!